Release

farmMy brain was on overdrive. My heart was so heavy. I wasn’t sure which would explode first. My first born was starting his senior year. I had one more official year with him as we homeschooled.

Did we mess him up already? What about all the other things we need to teach him still? How would I fit and hide some more stuff in his curriculum? How many books and videos would be realistic to have him interact with before he would balk? I just wanted to hit pause and figure out how to help him launch well.

That’s when I saw it. The sign on the side of the road by the farm house. Each week they would write on this piece of slate with chalk some sort of catchy slogan or inspiration, but today I knew it was for me. It was loud and clear, and just what I needed at that moment to prevent me from going mad and driving my son completely crazy.

“Let go gracefully.”

I felt like God said it loud and clear into my soul. I exhaled for the first time in awhile. I was not breathing. Well, I was, but it was more like a hyperventilation with too many what ifs, and how tos, and wish I hads, and many wish I had nots…

release.jpg“Let go gracefully.” It stopped my mind in its tracks. I kept repeating it as I inhaled and then exhaled. What would this look like? Help! I need you Lord to show me what that looks like. I did not want his last year driven by my fear. And fear to be the undercurrent for the next stage of our relationship.

I had already said and done some embarrassing things that showed my heart’s fears, and lack of rational thinking. Thankfully, my first born is a very gracious individual, and very quick to forgive me and not to hold on to wrongs. He is quick to think the best, instead of running away from the crazy lady who was starting to tighten her grip like a boa constrictor, instead of loosening it, preparing for launch.

That day that sign was such a gift to me (and my boys). Grace full… Lord teach me your ways and show me your path. I need your wisdom. I went home and made a magnet that is still on my frig, that I am now trying to pray through what it looks like with my youngest, who has graduated and helping him launch.

But that day I was reminded about releasing my boys. I know they are not mine anyway. It is God who placed them and knit them in my womb. It is God who planned good works for them before time. It is God who ordered the number of their days, and knows every hair on their head. He is the one that will carry them through and fill in the gaps from their growing up years and provide strength for their weaknesses. My job is to release, to let go gracefully.

It was, and still is, an awkward grace, but God has flooded it with His grace which more than makes up for my failing. In this learning to release, to let go gracefully, I have experienced God’s grace like never before. He is teaching me that He is more than enough, especially when there is no way for me to be enough. I was never meant to be that for my boys.

I am thankful for the people who decided to encourage passersby with their sign. I smile when I drive by and read what they have written and wonder who that message is for this week. I am thankful for the one that came right when I needed it.

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