The Psalmist shares about God, and how He is pursuing and loving, how we cannot hide, or get lost from Him. “Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, ‘Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,’ even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.” (Psalm 139:7-12)Usually this is one of my favorite sections of scripture. It is so reassuring and comforting. Unfortunately, there was a season that I got lost in the darkness and did not want to be found, but thankfully God did not give me my way.
I had experienced four miscarriages in an 18 month period of time. Two were at the ten week mark. I was mad. I was aching, and I was “fine.” Only I was not fine, and unfortunately I was a master at appearing fine. I am very high functioning no matter the situation, and this situation was being the youth pastor’s wife, the mother of two wonderful little boys, and blessed beyond measure. I knew these things, but I really felt like I was supposed to have more kids. I desired to be the matriarch of a big family some day. I knew my desire was good, but that was not going to happen. We were done biologically adding to our family and I was mad. I did not understand why God would allow me to have such a desire, and not bless it. I had lost my focus, but God had not lost His. He saw me and was gently pursuing me.
During this tantrum of mine I did not want comfort from God. I let my joy fizzle. The dark had become comfortable and I had learned how to keep up appearances. That is when God sent me a young lady who was looking for a mentor. She wanted to go through a study for a season. She was looking to get some parts of her life back in line with God’s word, and she thought I would be helpful in this. “Really God, not funny.” How do I say no to this young lady? All my excuses were lame. How do I say yes? My heart and life were not lining up. So I told God He was going to have to do something because I had nothing. But God is faithful to His word. When we put ourselves in it, and start seeking Him, even with a bad attitude, He will be found. We started the study, Experiencing God by Henry Blackaby. I had done this study earlier and it had had a profound impact on me. I was thinking of her, but God was thinking of me, and reminding me who He was, and that He was working and I was being invited to join Him.
We each took a challenge to get our perspectives right in an area we knew needed improvement. She was focusing on finances, and as for me, it was gratitude…. yep, pre- One Thousand Gifts days. I started to list three things each day I was thankful for. Then God sent me some crazy teenagers who were so full of life and ready to connect and be loved. They had hard lives, but they loved God and wanted to figure out how to walk this Christian life out. As I poured into them, God did what only He can do, and started to heal my heart and grow my joy. My heart started to heal, and my eyes started to see better. God shone His light in my darkness. These kids and young adults that I was supposed to be ministering to, God was using to make me well. I am so thankful that God pursues me and does not leave me to myself. Although I did not like how He was writing parts of my story, there was so much that was beautiful and good. I did not want to miss it, and thankfully God did not want me to miss it either.